When I was asked to write a piece for the Discipline journal, I was extremely flattered. I wasn’t sure what direction to go in, but I was asked to tell my story. And my story is one of my journey with mental illness and how that has intertwined over the past twelve years with my academic pursuits.

The first time I recall being severely depressed was in high school. Over the span of four years, my grandmother suffered a severe stroke that she would never recover from, my grandfather passed away and I was arrested for shoplifting. My grandparents were the only set that my entire family had any relationship with and were the strongest glue of us all. In some ways, we fell apart after that. And while I was once a straight-A student, when I was arrested for shoplifting, my ultimate punishment was that my parents would not support me going to school anywhere out of state. As dramatic as this may seem, it was just another crushing blow and all of these compounded to me not caring any longer about my studies or myself. I began cutting class to the point that I almost didn’t graduate and yet, I somehow managed to make it to Arizona State University in the fall of 2010.

My only plan and goal was to study architecture and I enrolled in the studio and all of the other required courses that semester. As many architecture students can relate, it is something that I was passionate about since my youth and so I was excited to finally have my opportunity to start fresh. The first day of studio, we met in the Neeb Hall auditorium. Back then, The Design School had the milestone program and we were told that of the several hundred or so of us, only 80 of us would make it in. This began what was then for me a toxic relationship with architecture. It felt as though the all-nighter and suffering for your art was glorified, and part of the so-called “studio culture”. My need to be perfect in everything I did manifested in me not turning in assignments that I thought were inadequate, which led to me cutting class altogether and eventually failing that semester.

It was at that time that I became aware of the 3+ program. I decided that I would switch to another enticeable field that was just taking root at ASU, the School of Sustainability, with the intent of returning to architecture for my master’s. The rest of my undergraduate studies were marked by the same pattern that had plagued me from high school. I had a transcript of A’s and E’s, with little in between. The classes that I felt I could easily excel in, I did. And those that I struggled in and when my perfectionism crept in, I quit altogether. I had no concept of “practice makes perfect”, it was perfection or nothing else. Once again, I was left with the possibility that I would barely graduate as my final grade in my capstone course wavered the entire semester. But somehow, I did. And with what felt like luck, I was accepted into the 3+ program in Summer 2014.

I was beyond thrilled to be back in The Design School, continuing the dream that had begun years before. But what started again as a strong semester, quickly devolved into one in which I felt I could barely continue. My need for perfectionism dwarfed my desire to show up to class and as I approached the final project of the semester, it was suggested that I take an Incomplete in my courses so that I could continue onto the fall semester, which I ended up doing.

With my tender mental state, I did not last more than a month or so into that semester until I disappeared entirely. I stopped checking emails, texts, and because I lived with my boyfriend (now husband, Brad) but was too ashamed to tell him or anyone, I continued the entire time to lie about how I was doing in my studies until it all came crashing down with a knock at the door. I wasn’t home for this knock, but Brad was. It was ASU police saying that because I had been completely MIA for the past several weeks, a professor had requested a well-check out of concern. When I returned home from my hiding away at local libraries, or wherever I was that day to pretend I was at school, Brad was gobsmacked but mostly hurt that I felt that I could not tell him, my boyfriend of three years at that point, that I was failing in my studies and stopped attending school entirely. I promised to return to school that spring but eventually, I could no longer receive financial aid due to my academic standing and thus couldn’t afford to enroll in classes. So eventually, I was removed from the program entirely.

I should add some context to my experience with mental health support at that time. In my freshman year, in what was some sort of ASU 101 class, we were explicitly told not to pursue withdrawals at any time as they would reflect poorly on our transcript to anyone reviewing them. And so I had no idea about medical withdrawals, something my severe depressive episodes would have certainly qualified for at that time. Further against my favor was that, like many families not exposed firsthand to it, my family’s knowledge or rather acknowledgement of mental illness at that time was nonexistent. Unfortunately, no one saw what now seem like clear signs of anxiety, depression and overall distress. I even managed to hide my removal from the program for many months afterwards from friends and family out of my shame at what felt like personal failings. But, through all of this, I remained determined to finish what I had started, and began the process of paying back the $10K in outstanding tuition entirely on my own, rebuilding my design portfolio and doing everything I could to build relationships in the profession that I thought would return me to the program.

Between 2015-2018, I worked two jobs averaging 12-14 hour days to make this goal a reality. Brad’s family owned a millwork shop in Tempe and I saw that as my opportunity to learn drafting, construction methods and build a portfolio. So, I worked there from 6am-12pm followed by my job as an intern at Tate Studio Architects, in Cave Creek. I spent almost two hours of my day commuting between jobs, leaving at 5am in the morning and returning at sometimes 10pm at night. All this time, internally, I was a mess. I was riddled with anxiety but too ashamed to let anyone see, regardless of how close I became with my coworkers, my insecurities ran that deep. By spring 2018, I had paid off my debt, received the three glowing letters of recommendation that I needed to reapply and established my firsts of many great friendships in the field. And yet, once again, my fears and anxieties about perfectionism got the best of me. It was three days before the application deadline and I hadn’t touched my portfolio when I finally decided I needed help. One of my closest friends had begun therapy and so I asked her for the name of her therapist and went to see her that afternoon. My psychologist, who had worked as a counselor at ASU years past, told me two things. One, with her assistance, to apply for medical withdrawals in all of my past courses from my last time in the program. And two, come hell or high water, submit my application.

I was again accepted and returned to the 3+ program with new skills and meager confidence the summer of 2018. I continued therapy but as I again began to crumble from my diagnosed mental demons of anxiety and depression, I finally followed my therapist’s advice and began antidepressants at the end of that term. But this time, things felt different. I confided in a professor my internal struggles and was not met with the consternation that I feared, but some of the kindest compassion that I have ever received. I received full-hearted support to take the time away from school that I needed with the goal of returning next spring once I had fully “recovered”. And here is where my journey from the road of acceptance of anxiety and depression took a sharp turn into my discovery of bipolar disorder.

For those that are unaware, the use of antidepressants in someone with bipolar disorder can lead to mania, and in my case, full-blown psychosis. A few weeks into beginning the antidepressants, on what was supposed to be a mental retreat to California with Brad’s grandmother and boyfriend, I quickly descended into my first documented experience with mania. Over the course of the week, I went from rapid speech and grand delusions to a night I wish I could forget. I tell some of this difficult part of the story because it is one that I once unabashedly shared with many, including in front of entire classes of ASU students, whether it was desired or not. One evening, due to things that I felt I was literally seeing and hearing, I tried to escape by jumping naked from the window of Brad’s grandmother’s house. The funny thing with the brain and psychosis is you are quite literally out of your mind and yet everything I did, I can remember as if it was yesterday- no matter how much I wish I could forget. I remember crying in an empty tub over terrible things I thought I had done, that had never really happened. I remember pushing and shoving to get out of the house and feeling threatened. I remember being taken away in handcuffs by police and admitted into what I thought was some grand facility where I would meet Hilary Clinton. And then, all I remember is waking up in a hospital room with tubes in my arms to my parents standing beside me. It was then, at the age of 25, that I was finally diagnosed as bipolar.

If that psychotic episode was my descent, 2019 was rock bottom. Over the course of the year, I experienced the most literal highs and lows of my life all while everyone tried to help me get my bipolar episodes under control. My highs: I won over $5K in grants through ASU and affiliated organizations to pursue my mental health initiative, titled Upside Effects. My elevator pitch was that I was working to reduce the stigma of mental health in the design and arts communities. I did extensive research on the common connection between mental illness and some of the greats in the fields, Vincent Van Gogh, Robin Williams, Heath Ledger, Kanye West, Kate Spade and countless others. I interviewed professionals and practiced my presentation with every ASU professor that was kind enough to listen. And my proudest achievement, was winning the in the health category of ASU’s Change the World. I thought I was unstoppable.

But with bipolar episodes, what goes up almost always comes down, and that I did with two back-to-back involuntary hospitalizations and being committed to a psychiatric facility (or as most call it, a psych ward) for over a week. It is often said by those with bipolar disorder, that while mania is scariest to everyone else not experiencing it, it is one of the best feelings in the world. It wasn’t my depressive episodes where I threatened suicide that landed me in the hospital, but my manic/psychotic episodes where I literally thought I was god. Again, those weeks in and out of the psychiatric facilities are ones I wish I could forget but remember clear as day, apart from the times that I had to be sedated I was so severely experiencing psychosis. I am still working with trauma from what I experienced and the ramifications that followed. These parts, for privacy of myself but mostly of others, I won’t go into detail but I will list some of the some of the more taboo symptoms, as I think we shy away from the sometimes ugly truths of mental illness too much. During manic episodes, some may experience: feelings of euphoria or being invincible, being obsessed with and completely absorbed in an activity, racing thoughts and rapid speech, delusions, hallucinations, and impulsive behavior including buying sprees and hypersexuality. None of this is shameful, it is just a cruel reality of living with mental illness when not under control.

Needless to say, I again removed myself from the program indefinitely until I could “get healthy”. I spent the remainder of 2019 stopping and starting different medications and working through some of this trauma. But some silver linings began to appear, I became engaged and resumed working that fall, at Jones Studio. Many who know me, have heard how highly I speak of Jones Studio. But this isn’t just out of admiration for the fifteen designers that work there and the powerfully meaningful work that they produce. It is out of a true affection for the Jones Studio family (as they call themselves) and everything they brought to me. I was given a safe space to work through getting my health to a better place and rebuilding my confidence not just as a professional but as a person. I am thankful for the opportunities that I was given and continue to receive from my time spent there. After two years, last spring, I found myself in the familiar place of again applying to return to the M. Arch 3+ program at ASU. And elatedly, I was welcomed to return to the place that had become a home, The Design School.

I wish I could tie a neat bow on my story with mental illness, bipolar disorder and my circuitous academic pursuits. But I can’t. March 30th was World Bipolar Day and at the very same time, I was experiencing a hypomanic episode, preceded and followed by depressive episodes, the likes of which I hadn’t seen for over a year. Even now, as I write this, I am still taking some time away from classes to recover. But things are different this time around. While there is currently no “cure” for any of the mental illnesses I have described, stability is possible with the help of what I call my support team: my psychiatrist, my therapist, my family and friends. Brad and I got married and I successfully finished my first semester of the M. Arch program, while concurrently pursuing my Master’s of Science in Biomimicry. And, I joined the AIAS National Task Force on Mental Health.

I am no longer ashamed to say I take medications, actively seek therapy, share how I am feeling or tell my story. Some have advised me against sharing some of what I have written - for leaving it all out for professors, professionals, potential employers and the world to see. But over the course of the past four years of unflinching honesty, I have had countless people, some close and others not as much, share with me their own journeys with mental health. I have been asked for recommendations for therapists, mental health facilities and encouraged others to seek help when they needed it. I am not a doctor, but I am a survivor, and that is something from which I wish to contribute.

I am proud of how far I have come since my first experiences with mental distress in adolescence and I hope that you may have learned something from my story. If not about mental illness or bipolar disorder, about what is possible when you reduce stigmas and seek help. That is the shift in conversation around mental health that I am looking for and I am hopeful that I will continue to see it in the years to come.

Definitions:

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a brain disorder that causes changes in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function.

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/bipolar-disorders/what-are-bipolar-disorders

There are three types of bipolar disorder. All three types involve clear changes in mood, energy, and activity levels.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder

Bipolar disorder, formerly called manic depression, is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts to mania or hypomania (less extreme than mania), you may feel euphoric, full of energy or unusually irritable. These mood swings can affect sleep, energy, activity, judgment, behavior and the ability to think clearly.

Episodes of mood swings may occur rarely or multiple times a year. While most people will experience some emotional symptoms between episodes, some may not experience any.

Although bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition, you can manage your mood swings and other symptoms by following a treatment plan. In most cases, bipolar disorder is treated with medications and psychological counseling (psychotherapy).

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955

Mania

Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.

Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms: Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired, Increased activity, energy or agitation, Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria), Decreased need for sleep, Unusual talkativeness, Racing thoughts, Distractibility, Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955

Psychosis

Sometimes, a person with severe episodes of mania or depression may experience psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions. The psychotic symptoms tend to match the person’s extreme mood. For example: People having psychotic symptoms during a manic episode may have the unrealistic belief that they are famous, have a lot of money, or have special powers; People having psychotic symptoms during a depressive episode may falsely believe they are financially ruined and penniless, have committed a crime, or have an unrecognized serious illness.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder

Incomplete

A mark of "I" (incomplete) is given by the instructor when you are otherwise doing acceptable work but are unable to complete the course because of illness or other conditions beyond your control. You are required to arrange with the instructor for the completion of the course requirements.

https://students.asu.edu/grades

Medical Withdrawal

A medical or compassionate withdrawal request may be made in extraordinary cases in which serious illness or injury (medical) or another significant personal situation (compassionate) prevents a student from continuing his or her classes, and incompletes or other arrangements with the instructors are not possible.

https://students.asu.edu/forms/medical-compassionate-withdrawal-request

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